Taking the Ex Factor Out of Your Present Relationship

I know for many of us it is easy to say good bye to a relationship that no longer seems to work. What I mean by easy is that even when you may not be ready to let go of the relationship you come to an understanding that you have to move on. However, although you may physically move on from the relationship, if you have not let the emotional and mental baggage go from the previous relationship you may find yourself dropping those former baggage onto your current mate’s door step.

I had an opportunity to speak with a client of mine who said some very hurtful things to her spouse during the heat of an argument. She did not realize that what she was wrong as her spouse “knew” that was how she dealt with her frustrations. Well to make a long story short I found myself asking her this question, “why do you continue to have your ex-boyfriend sleeping in the bed with your spouse and you?” She paused for a moment and did not understand my question as she was thinking physical. As I probed with her more, she began to see that she was treating her spouse the same way as she did with her former boyfriend. She was “stopping” the hurt before she was actually hurt by her husband. However, she was not stopping any hurt but creating more hurt within her marriage. How you may ask? She was treating and responding to her husband in the exact same way she did her ex-boyfriend who left her.

Without knowing it, my client was reliving her previous relationship with her ex-boyfriend through her current relationship with her husband. As the revelation became more evident to her she realized that she loved her husband and never meant to make those hurtful comments. She finally understood that as long as she kept holding on to the words and behaviors she kept bottled up inside of her from her former relationship, she might have ended up losing her marriage for a man she has no interest in being with. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your mate may have said or did something that reminded you of your previous mate? What was your response? Did you respond to your current mate as you would with your ex or did you take the time to realize that you are in a different relationship with a different person and your actions and responses should be different?

If you are still sleeping with the ex partner within your current relationship, here are a few tips to help you obtain some closure with the former relationship:

1. Let the person “have it”- If you never had the chance to tell your ex how you felt about the relationship write a letter. You will not send the letter off but just write it so that you tell the person how you feel. Once you have gotten all of your emotions up, tear it up and flush it down the toilet.

2. Speak to your current partner- One of the challenges many people face in a relationship especially new ones is letting your mate know what happened to you in the past. If you are in a committed relationship where you feel like the two of you may be in it for the long haul, let your mate know what words and actions annoy you. If you do not tell your mate then how will they know that this is an area of contention for you.

3. Don’t throw yourself under the bus- Don’t beat yourself up if you get into a squabble with your current partner and you find yourself reverting back to your old ways. When you find yourself saying or doing something you may have done with your ex, take a pause for the cause and excuse yourself from the situation. Explain to your mate that you need to leave for a moment so that you will not say or do something that will cause harm to your present relationship. Designate a meeting place and time to share your thoughts with your mate in a non-argumentative manner.

4. Stay committed to your mate- If you believe this is your soul mate and you want to make the relationship work, stay committed to one another through talking and sharing your feelings. Don’t wait until an argument to arrive to complain or air everything out. Most arguments are solved when they are handle as disagreements in the here and now. It is when you hold on to past hurts that may break down the line of communication with your mate. Let old habits be buried so that new habits may spring life into your present relationship.

All in all, in some form or fashion we have all been hurt by an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend that may continue to foster pain within our lives. However, if you choose daily to let those hurts go you will find yourself dwelling less on them. The less hurts you allow to control your thoughts in your present relationship, the more fulfillment and enjoyment you will feel with the mate you are with. So go ahead and kick that ex factor out of your present relationship as your mate and you will benefit from not having the third wheel in your lives.

April Lisbon-Peoples is a growth and development coach who enjoys inspiring her clients to find their life’s purpose through becoming visionaries. She the founder and CEO of Running Your Race, a coaching practice designed for individuals who are ready to awaken their visions and create their destiny.